Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
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A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…