Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
You Might Also Like
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Dishonest mechanic?
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.