Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
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It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”