Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
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*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Breaking news:
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd