Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
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A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Me when my alarm goes off
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man