Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
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I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
tourist season
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?