FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
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I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
📽️movie date🎞️
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen