Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
You Might Also Like
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
The honesty is refreshing
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
i- i did not expect this
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no