@GibJimson: Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
@panmidwest: HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
@SteveSuckington: I can't figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can't remember his name. I just call him "not Tim"
@NamestartswithZ: ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I'm going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
@Freudstombstone: It hurts my feelings when people call me a failure. I'd rather people think of me as successfully challenged.
@GinAndJif: "Dave's coming for dinner tonight."
"Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney...?"