Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
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How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
are there any atheist mantises?
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Did a trash talking tree write this?
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket