a fate I wish upon no one
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I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
True
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.