Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
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Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
No laws when master is gone
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it