*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
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Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…