*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
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12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
house sitting!
ouch
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Human are so complicated
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.