People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
You Might Also Like
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
British websites use biscuits.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
This tree does a lot of weird exercises