Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
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I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Lmbo
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?