Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
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When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.