Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
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Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.