Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
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You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35