Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
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me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
The photographer’s assistant
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
[eulogy]
line?
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.