Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
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me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
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‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.