Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
You Might Also Like
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Teach your children to beatbox
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.