Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
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Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I get distracted pretty eas
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!