Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
You Might Also Like
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
There are usually two types of merchants.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.