Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
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Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
There’s only one good girl here!
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.