@CooperLawrence: Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
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@myles_morrison: People with profile pictures of their kids. Stop it. All I can think is, why are these toddlers trying to add me on facebook?
@theshantilly: I always try to compliment people, even if it's just, "Wow, I've never seen clothes worn like that before." or "You have a dope overbite."
@tastefactory: COP: do you know why I pulled you over? COP'S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you're scared of the movie COP: Yes it's too real
@SkinnerSteven: I wrote 'WILL YOU MARRY ME?' on a balloon. However, before I could propose... -I popped the question