Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
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I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
What’s so funny?
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat