Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
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“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Morning my dudes.
car not found
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.