[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
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nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”