Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
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There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
So we got a goldfish…
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
We’ve come full circle