Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
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I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.