Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
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Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.