Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
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GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.