@Advil: Netflix should double as a dating site and be like "here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours."
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@gmossii: My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
@BrownDogBlanket: It’s a sobering moment getting in my car to go to Arby’s when I get high and see the delivery guy pull up with Chinese food, then I remember the frozen pizza I put in the oven an hour ago.
@hashtag_stacks: 'Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate'- my autobiography
@fro_vo: Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it's true, a watched pot never boils Wife: you're supposed to put water in it