@Advil: Netflix should double as a dating site and be like "here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours."
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@abbycohenwl: Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor? Doctor: It's a mango. A perfectly ripe mango Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
@AwkwardComedy: "Password is incorrect" *resets password* "New password cannot be the same as the old password"
@RoosterMustache: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they're like "hey thanks" and I'm like "I'm just happy to be a part of this nice community"
@david8hughes: [interrogation] "How do u kno the deceased?" I was his drug dealer. "Louder for the tape?" [leans in] I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.