@Advil: Netflix should double as a dating site and be like "here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours."
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@GuyEndoreKaiser: Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy's gonna have a gold medal, and all you'll have is your joke about curling.
@iwearaonesie: wife: You're going to work like that? me: Yeah, it's casual day [20 minutes later] *calls wife* me: Can you bring me a shirt?
@ericsshadow: Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn't miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
@hippieswordfish: DATE:[texting friend] he keeps comparing stuff to athletes ME: *returning from bathroom* man they got the michael jordan of toilets in there