Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
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[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
My whole life was a lie.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?