@SamReidSays: Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can't click because I'm eating cereal and a sandwich.
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@slimmy_shady: Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
@djdarrellripley: Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It's kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung...
@Kendragarden: Diet tip: If you think you're hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
@Majorboobage: 9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn't even know the bride until after they're married. Me: That's every culture son.