Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
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me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Worth remembering.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.