Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
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📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler