Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
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I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
True statement👍😏😁
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!