Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
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GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”