Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
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When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash