Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
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Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Ok who’s got my black socks?
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.