Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
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me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women