Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
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Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
*sewing*
A thread
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up