Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
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Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”