I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
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I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.