Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
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My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend