Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
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Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.