[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
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Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
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I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
are there any atheist mantises?
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”