Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
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Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress