@MrRamBillings: Never buy the first round cause that's when people care what they're drinking!
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@juliussharpe: Someone tell my kid that if I wanted to hear high-pitched shrieking all night, I would have become a murderer.
@davedittell: *friend bites off beer bottle cap at party* HONEY! HONEY!! NOW!! NOW!!! *wife jumps out car with a hundred jars from the fridge*
@nealbrennan: Sorry for illegally downloading your music, guy who mostly makes songs about doing crime.