Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
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Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.