*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
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I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”