Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
You Might Also Like
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af