@bobvulfov: ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

@TweetPotato314: wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

@HatfieldAnne: It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.

@TheBoydP: "That's close enough..." ~Government worker

@vineyille: [at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true