@_sanshandle: I'm not an animal expert but feeding your pet chimp Chinese food doesn't seem right. Then again, neither does owning a pet chimp.

@Jayson_Two_time: Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.

@the_paramedicK: What idiot named her Miley Cyrus' grandma and not Nana Montana.

@iGreenMonk: 1)Print out a "WANTED" poster with your face on it. 2)Dress as a cop. 3)Go around asking people if they've seen this person.

@KatieLaveski: Diet plan: make friends fatter