@bigmacher: 16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.

@behindyourback: I'm rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you're going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense

@JIMBOSWELT: Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.

@jake_likes_naps: DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION

@_BurnsWhenIPee: Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn't confetti be falling from my uterus?