(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
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The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?